Thursday, December 23, 2010

Meet the Kitty Karters

The Catfather

A life lived in constant fear of fainting after two hits as a fragile gunner has made Gaga a very neurotic hunter. But it has also made Gaga a pretty dependable player who rarely kitty carts and usually has no problems soloing missions. Playing with his fellow Kitty Karters, however, is a different story, especially when they don’t heal themselves. Dude hates that. Gaga doesn’t like joining game guilds, either, so we said that this was a support group instead. We can’t beleive that actually worked. Oh yeah, Gaga’s a dude IRL so make sure you hit on his female avatar ALL the time. He hates that stuff but is too nice to let horndog hunters know, which we always get a kick out of. Gaga also understands Japanese so the dude’s our go-to-guy when playing Ad Hoc with Japanese folks. Gaga’s biggest weakness? A poor sense of direction, causing him to frequently gets lost in advanced rank without a map. That is, except for the Volcano stage. As a neurotic talisman miner, he knows that stage like the back of his paws.

Quote 1: “Dude, you’re almost dead. Heal … heal … heal!!!
Quote 2: “Darn it!” (Gaga after using a Lifepowder on a dying teammate who decides to heal just as the Lifepowder is kicking in.)
Quote 3: "Uh, I'm a guy."
Quote 4: “Want another beating (insert monster name), huh, huh?" (Said to boss monster ... after Gaga comes back from fainting.) 

Top Reason for Kitty Carting: The dreaded wall-slam plus dizzy combo.
Memorable Kitty Carts: Memorable Kitty Carts:
1. Dragon Volleyball: During a Golden Rathian and Silver Rathalos double mission, Gaga gets hit by Rathian so he decides to quickly switch zones to heal. Unknown to Gaga, the Silver Rathalos was right at the entrance of the next zone so he gets hit right on entry and knocked back to the previous map. Within a second of flying into the next map, he gets rammed by the Golden Rathian for the kill.
2. That Girl is Poison: During a High-Rank Gigginox mission, Gaga forgets that he’s poisoned and continues to fight. The expression on his face when his character dropped to the ground without getting touched by a monster was priceless. This was his first death in Monster Hunter Portable 3 by the way.

Favorite weapons in descending order: Heavy bowgun, light bowgun, lance, great sword, hunting horn and paralysis long sword.

Hated bosses:
Black Tigrex: Gaga usually switches from guns to Great Sword against him, especially when playing solo.
Deviljho: Another boss that typically makes Gaga switch from gunning when playing solo, usually to Lance.

The Right Paw

Do you like awesome hunters who always play smart and don’t kitty cart for boneheaded reasons? Then Pac ain’t your man! But if you like a fun-loving hunter who comes up with weird ideas like “PVP” cliff jousting with lances on Area 8 of Solitary Island (loser falls to Area 5), then Pac is your dude.  Pac tends to have a reckless streak sometimes, which tends to drive the more careful Gaga nuts. But when he concentrates, he’s actually not that bad. Some might even say he’s skilled, which is kind of an oxymoron since he’s a Long Sword user. Incidentally, Pac rarely teabags monsters unless he beats one of these three: Sand Barioth, both Tigrexes and Deviljho. Beating any of those is almost an automatic teabag. Let’s just say those three probably can make Pac Armor from his mats right now.

Quote 1: “Yeah, that’s right. Take that. Huh? Oh gawd, help me, Gaga, help me!”
Quote 2: “Got some honey/megapotions/cool drinks/hot drinks/paintballs/antidote?”
Quote 3: “I'll let you win this time" (Said to boss after fainting)
Quote 4: “Revenge time!”(Said to bosses that he "let win")

Top Reason for Kitty Carting: Overconfidence and forgetting to heal
Memorable Kitty Cart: 
The Lebron James Karma Special: Got served by a low-rank Qurupeco after laughing at Gaga when the latter got double-teamed and corner-comboed to unconsciousness by a high-rank Royal Ludroth and “pink Woyal Wudwoth” in an earlier mission. Yeah, karma’s a (insert something that rhymes with witch here).

Favorite weapons: The Sword of a Thousand Trips. Tripped hunters, that is.  (a.k.a. long sword). Surprisingly likes bow.

Hated bosses:
Black Tigrex: The Double Black Tigrex Uniqlo mission scarred him for life.
Deviljho: Like the psycho ex-girlfriend who just won't go away, Pac and Jho have had a terrible history since Tri.
Silver Rathalos and Gold Rathian: Ironic since they're also two of his favorite armors.

The Left Paw

Ke$ha first got into Monster Hunter after being convinced by Gaga and Pac to play Tri with them. Unfortunately, the two did him a disservice by helping him rank up, so he never got completely familiar with monster patterns. The result? Lots of kitty carting at high rank. Despite the trauma to his psyche from frequent kitty carter miles and being called a noob by strangers online, Mosley, to his credit, continued to play. Unfortunately, he’s also developed a habit of teabagging pretty much every boss monster he successfully hunts due to the trauma he experienced, although he has since drastically cut down on his fainting and teabagging. Still, we’ve already booked him for anger management class. Plus, maybe he needs some rehab. Or maybe he needs  some sleep. He's got a sick obsession. He's seeing it in his dreams...

Quote 1: “Sorry, guys.”
Quote 2: “I’m really sorry, guys.”
Quote 3: “Be right back.” (Means you won't see him for 30 minutes to an hour)
Quote 4: “Hold on, I gotta walk the dog."
Quote 5: “Hold on, I gotta wash the dishes. 'Cause that's how I roll."

Top Reason for Kitty Carting: Pretty much everything you can imagine.
Memorable Kitty Cart: He'd rather forget all of them.

Favorite weapons: Long sword, Hunting Horn, Switch Axe and Bowguns.

Hated bosses: He's reserved a special place in kitty hell for Silver Rathalos and Gold Rathian. 

The Tail

A newcomer to the Monster Hunter series, Soma is going through the same growing pains every new monster hunter does. It certainly doesn’t help that he’s got three goofs helping him out. Like the one time they tricked him into carving a captured Jinouga and he started stressing out ‘cause he couldn’t carve it. So they told him to kneel and try it again. Then stand up and try it again. Then kneel again. Pretty soon, poor guy’s unknowingly teabagging the poor sleeping monster. Make sure you also watch out when he says, “This is actually getting pretty easy.” That usually means he’ll faint within 5 seconds. Ah, Monster Hunter. Why do you bring them up only to bring them down?

Quote 1: I think I’m getting the hang of this (faints 10 seconds later)
Quote 2: This monster actually isn’t that hard (faints 5 seconds later)
Quote 3: I think I’m getting good at this game (faints 1 second later)
Quote 4: Oh … my … god. What just happened?! (After Quotes 1, 2 and 3)

Top Reason for Kitty Carting: Failure to not get hit while trying to hit it till it dies
Memorable Kitty Carts: Let’s give the new guy a pass … for now..

Favorite weapons: Switch Axe

Welcome to Loc Lac Kitty Karters

Are you more Honster Munter than Monster Hunter? Don’t have OMG-uber-LEET monster hunting skills? Do you laugh in the face of monster hunters who take this game like some life-and-death competition and chew you out ‘cuz you forgot to bring hot drinks? Then welcome to the Loc Lac Kitty Karters Non-Guild Guild. Our motto is, “Relax, dude. It’s just a game. Now let’s get that Numbingbird unstuck from your rear end.”

Want to join the hallowed ranks of the Kitty Karters? First you must meet the following stringent conditions. Testify brothers and sisters!

>> I am human, or almost human.
>> I know how to breathe.
>> I like having fun.
>> I am very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very,very, very, very, very, very patient.
>> I don’t have a Numbingbird stuck up my arse. And if I have one, I plan on having it removed pretty soon.

That’s it! Feel free to post your amazing tales of kitty carting in yonder pages. Otherwise, just feel free to lurk like a stalker from the shadows. Just watch out for the paintballs...